On being grown up
Aug. 5th, 2003 12:18 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
dmazeI still haven't really successfully wrapped my brain around this "grown up" concept. There are a lot of bits to this; several of them revolve around money. Maybe I want to buy a car, or a house, at some point, so I should save up for this. But maybe I want to buy some furniture now, so that my bedroom can become less of a pit, and thus enhance my quality of life. Or maybe I want to do things like go on trips to places that are fun, but expensive, and have no long-term redeeming value. All of these are...choices; I have to decide how important (a) is, so I can decide how much money to spend on (b) and what, if anything, is left for (c). There are also lifestyle choices; I eat out a lot, and that's a major source of socialness for me, but it's also expensive and not necessarily healthy.
There's the question of toys. When I was still a grad student, I blew $40 on a copy of Black and White, justifying this by saying it would help preserve my sanity by giving me something to do. The last time I tried to set out a budget, I had an explicit line item for "toys". But I still have a big mental barrier against actually going off and spending money on things; shopping is hard, and I have this vague fear that I'm going to go on a shopping spree and blow everything I have saved up. (Somewhere in here, too, is the realization that I can buy things that aren't necessarily "socially acceptable" and nobody will really care.)
And then there's the relationship question. As much as I hate to admit it, my family isn't necessarily being unreasonable in asking when I'm getting married; this relationship has gone on for quite a long time. Several people I know are at various points in the wedding process, somewhere in between "just engaged" and "been married for several years". Being a not particularly religious person, there's the question of just what marriage is; is there something more than "I promise not to dump you"? Aside from sundry legal bits, does it actually matter?
The future is kind of scary too. I know I don't want to stay at this job forever, and while I have some latitude in looking for something new, I've been afraid to start the job-hunting process. Will I find what I'm looking for, and what exactly is that, anyways? Should I feel guilty about asking for more money than it seems like I need? Will I be able to stay in Boston?
In some ways I feel like I'm lacking direction. But if I had "direction", I'd have a job I felt was more permanent, a solid financial plan, enough money for enough distractions to never be bored, and I suspect more general personal and social clue than anyone really has. I've settled on a couple of things (like lack of grad school) that I know are Decisions that are Right For Me. But trying to Get Everything Together, and still be happy at the end, seems like...if I actually went off and answered all of the Big Questions, then I'd have no chance to adapt to anything and make my life better as things changed.
There's the question of toys. When I was still a grad student, I blew $40 on a copy of Black and White, justifying this by saying it would help preserve my sanity by giving me something to do. The last time I tried to set out a budget, I had an explicit line item for "toys". But I still have a big mental barrier against actually going off and spending money on things; shopping is hard, and I have this vague fear that I'm going to go on a shopping spree and blow everything I have saved up. (Somewhere in here, too, is the realization that I can buy things that aren't necessarily "socially acceptable" and nobody will really care.)
And then there's the relationship question. As much as I hate to admit it, my family isn't necessarily being unreasonable in asking when I'm getting married; this relationship has gone on for quite a long time. Several people I know are at various points in the wedding process, somewhere in between "just engaged" and "been married for several years". Being a not particularly religious person, there's the question of just what marriage is; is there something more than "I promise not to dump you"? Aside from sundry legal bits, does it actually matter?
The future is kind of scary too. I know I don't want to stay at this job forever, and while I have some latitude in looking for something new, I've been afraid to start the job-hunting process. Will I find what I'm looking for, and what exactly is that, anyways? Should I feel guilty about asking for more money than it seems like I need? Will I be able to stay in Boston?
In some ways I feel like I'm lacking direction. But if I had "direction", I'd have a job I felt was more permanent, a solid financial plan, enough money for enough distractions to never be bored, and I suspect more general personal and social clue than anyone really has. I've settled on a couple of things (like lack of grad school) that I know are Decisions that are Right For Me. But trying to Get Everything Together, and still be happy at the end, seems like...if I actually went off and answered all of the Big Questions, then I'd have no chance to adapt to anything and make my life better as things changed.
Megan's Definition of Marriage
Date: 2003-08-26 11:39 am (UTC)[I will note that I didn't figure this definition out until I'd been married for several years, but luckily my husband shares the definition.]
People change. This is to be expected, but it doesn't happen quickly. It takes years; decades for significant changes.
When I decided to get married I decided that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with my husband, whatever kind of person he turns into. I therefore make a committment to him to only change into the sort of person that he can spend his life with, and he makes the same committment to me. Therefore it behooved me to choose to marry someone who brings out the best in me, so that I can make changes for the better and still fit into his life.
Yes, this is a limitation. There are things I will never do because I am married to my husband. There are things he will never do because he is married to me. But I do not view it as a sacrifice.
Life choices bring limitations. When I choose to live in one place I choose not to live somewhere else. When I choose to study one field I choose not to study others. When I choose to grow in ways that let me stay married, I choose not to grow in other ways. For me these limitations are worth it because of the depth of what remains.
- Megan (76Trombone's landlord)
Hmm, if I had an LJ account I could have a friends list and would be more punctual with my posts...