On being grown up
Aug. 5th, 2003 12:18 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
dmazeI still haven't really successfully wrapped my brain around this "grown up" concept. There are a lot of bits to this; several of them revolve around money. Maybe I want to buy a car, or a house, at some point, so I should save up for this. But maybe I want to buy some furniture now, so that my bedroom can become less of a pit, and thus enhance my quality of life. Or maybe I want to do things like go on trips to places that are fun, but expensive, and have no long-term redeeming value. All of these are...choices; I have to decide how important (a) is, so I can decide how much money to spend on (b) and what, if anything, is left for (c). There are also lifestyle choices; I eat out a lot, and that's a major source of socialness for me, but it's also expensive and not necessarily healthy.
There's the question of toys. When I was still a grad student, I blew $40 on a copy of Black and White, justifying this by saying it would help preserve my sanity by giving me something to do. The last time I tried to set out a budget, I had an explicit line item for "toys". But I still have a big mental barrier against actually going off and spending money on things; shopping is hard, and I have this vague fear that I'm going to go on a shopping spree and blow everything I have saved up. (Somewhere in here, too, is the realization that I can buy things that aren't necessarily "socially acceptable" and nobody will really care.)
And then there's the relationship question. As much as I hate to admit it, my family isn't necessarily being unreasonable in asking when I'm getting married; this relationship has gone on for quite a long time. Several people I know are at various points in the wedding process, somewhere in between "just engaged" and "been married for several years". Being a not particularly religious person, there's the question of just what marriage is; is there something more than "I promise not to dump you"? Aside from sundry legal bits, does it actually matter?
The future is kind of scary too. I know I don't want to stay at this job forever, and while I have some latitude in looking for something new, I've been afraid to start the job-hunting process. Will I find what I'm looking for, and what exactly is that, anyways? Should I feel guilty about asking for more money than it seems like I need? Will I be able to stay in Boston?
In some ways I feel like I'm lacking direction. But if I had "direction", I'd have a job I felt was more permanent, a solid financial plan, enough money for enough distractions to never be bored, and I suspect more general personal and social clue than anyone really has. I've settled on a couple of things (like lack of grad school) that I know are Decisions that are Right For Me. But trying to Get Everything Together, and still be happy at the end, seems like...if I actually went off and answered all of the Big Questions, then I'd have no chance to adapt to anything and make my life better as things changed.
There's the question of toys. When I was still a grad student, I blew $40 on a copy of Black and White, justifying this by saying it would help preserve my sanity by giving me something to do. The last time I tried to set out a budget, I had an explicit line item for "toys". But I still have a big mental barrier against actually going off and spending money on things; shopping is hard, and I have this vague fear that I'm going to go on a shopping spree and blow everything I have saved up. (Somewhere in here, too, is the realization that I can buy things that aren't necessarily "socially acceptable" and nobody will really care.)
And then there's the relationship question. As much as I hate to admit it, my family isn't necessarily being unreasonable in asking when I'm getting married; this relationship has gone on for quite a long time. Several people I know are at various points in the wedding process, somewhere in between "just engaged" and "been married for several years". Being a not particularly religious person, there's the question of just what marriage is; is there something more than "I promise not to dump you"? Aside from sundry legal bits, does it actually matter?
The future is kind of scary too. I know I don't want to stay at this job forever, and while I have some latitude in looking for something new, I've been afraid to start the job-hunting process. Will I find what I'm looking for, and what exactly is that, anyways? Should I feel guilty about asking for more money than it seems like I need? Will I be able to stay in Boston?
In some ways I feel like I'm lacking direction. But if I had "direction", I'd have a job I felt was more permanent, a solid financial plan, enough money for enough distractions to never be bored, and I suspect more general personal and social clue than anyone really has. I've settled on a couple of things (like lack of grad school) that I know are Decisions that are Right For Me. But trying to Get Everything Together, and still be happy at the end, seems like...if I actually went off and answered all of the Big Questions, then I'd have no chance to adapt to anything and make my life better as things changed.
my $0.02
Date: 2003-08-06 05:06 pm (UTC)"direction"/job: I think at our age, if you are still unmarried and not yet ready to "settle down", having a non-permanent job is a fine thing. Being financially insecure is bad, but not knowing where you'll be working next year doesn't seem like something to worry about, as long as you think you have the skills to continue doing jobs you want to. jump around, do different interesting things, see the world. as for solid financial plan, as long as you are making some and (knowing you) actually investing some, and thinking about what you might do with it like 6 months from now, you're probably ok for your point in life.
money: the world economy is really imperfect. The best thing you can do is take as much money out of its imperfect control as you can convince it to give you, and then reallocate it using your own greater wisdom. Ask for what you think you're worth in the current market, as in what a typical company of that sort would pay someone who could do what you do, as well as you do. If you really don't want that much money, not even to just give away to good causes or (wink) needy friends, then my personal suggestion is to work something out where you work less and have more free time.
house: this is my lifelong dream. Never have to move again! booyeah! I'd say once you've found a place you know you'd like to "settle down" then go for it as soon as your are financially able - paying rent is like throwing money out the window. throw parties. Build a model railroad in the basement that connects to the backyard. Whee! It's a royal pain in the ass to upkeep though, and way to big for me at least to justify 1 person living in though, so those are other things that would make me wait.
Toys: my philosophy on most forms of entertainment is I am paying $x per hour to be entertained. Once I work out how many free hours I have to spend on being entertained, I realize I have little to worry about as long as I choose somewhat carefully what I spend on using this metric, and don't buy more stuff than I have time to play with. Once you get older and have a higher-paying job, people tend to pay ridiculously higher amounts of money for toys that they spend less time playing with...we'll see if it happens to me...but I believe as long as you keep track of your free time and don't overspend *that*, you're probably fine.
mawwiage: that dweam, within, a dweam...do it if you want to man. Try not to let societal forces influence your decision too much. Do let your SO influence your decision a lot.
-mo